


sola insania / nostrum solacium

by ioucos



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Lowercase, Masturbation (referenced), Pre-Rebellion Story, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Underage Drinking, this does get pretty dark but i do swear it has a happy ending, this ended up being so gay at the end and i love it shjshkjshjhls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-06
Updated: 2018-06-06
Packaged: 2019-05-18 19:50:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,568
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14859173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ioucos/pseuds/ioucos
Summary: it was just her and tomoe mami now.(or: life after madoka is hard, but if there's someone to share the experience with, it can be okay in the end.)





	sola insania / nostrum solacium

**Author's Note:**

> i feel completely awful rn and everything hurts so like. i wrote about it a little (heavy projection ahead tbh). i hope you enjoy, i suppose -- i dont know if that's the proper word for this lmao
> 
> (little note: madoka is generally written as m--doka here for the same reason that super religious people ive known in the past have written god as G--d)

sakura left after sayaka died

"what's the point anymore", she told them. "this keeps happening over and over again to us"

(honestly homura couldnt blame her, for what kind of hypocrite would that make her)

but really all it did was make the problem worse, for you see sakura kyoko was the last person left alive on this planet homura had any trust for -- now she was left with _tomoe mami_ and memories of a Love that no longer existed fully on this plane

tomoe was made well aware of her opinion on the matter when she looked sadly but oh-so-hopefully at homura and opened her mouth to speak but no, homura had already turned to leave

such an _inconvenience_ , oh who was she kidding she wasnt fit for this world why had M--doka ever trusted her with it she was just a failure failure failure shed done nothing but fail dozens of times over and over again as the years passed like water through her fingers. there was no point to anything in the first place she should just give up and let Her take her

(she locked the door to her apartment nobody would be looking for her but years of repeating the same month over and over again had left her paranoid)

no no no no no no that wouldnt do at all no she couldnt shed never be able to look her Goddess in the eye ever again even in the next world, homura should just absolve her Love of the problem entirely all it would take is a single shot to her soul gem it wasnt particularly difficul--

"akemi-san!" 

homura looked up

standing there -- in her apartment -- was tomoe mami, panting, looking wild and desperate

"what are you doing here." homura hissed in response, eyes crazed and her hand on one of the last guns in her collection, she was about to puncture her soul it wouldnt be hard at all it would be quick all she had to do was wait for mami to say whatever it was she wanted to and then leave

carefully mami looked at homura. there was something in her eyes that homura thought was familiar -- desperation, loneliness

"i -- i cant. i just cant live alone anymore, a-akemi-san. everyones gone again and i cant jus--"

"tomoe mami i cannot live with you, im sorry"

"akemi-sa--"

"you should go tomoe, you must sleep and regain your strength for the wraiths tomorrow"

" _homura_ " tomoe hissed, blinking back tears already "... homura-san. please."

the desperation and the loneliness and the tears they were all just so so familiar to akemi homura, but that wasnt enough was it she would still turn tomoe mami down and then free the world of her own idiocy and her own failures

"just for the night."

she hadnt meant to say that -- she didnt understand _how_ she had but she had said it nonetheless and somehow tomoe was hugging her and whispering desperate thanks and she didnt understand what was going on anymore

that night was long and difficult. homura didnt sleep at all -- she gave tomoe mami her bed and then left to go pacing beneath her massive pendulum contemplating whether or not having mami come upon her lifeless corpse that morning was too cruel

she hadnt made a decision by the time she came out of her bedroom in the morning, looking worn yes but significantly better than she had the night before -- homura had still been pacing and hardly paid the girl any mind save but to tell her that she was welcome at any time _what was she saying no no she had to die_

(maybe the blondes smile at that statement made the error worth it)

she didnt go to school that day. nobody would ask any questions of course -- the weird cold transfer student with no friends? nobody would notice her absence she suspected

tomoe mami did.

she came that night to her apartment with a change of clothes and a thermos of tea, a half-smile on her face

"you werent in school today akemi-san, were you hunting wraiths"

homura looked blankly up at mami. she vaguely realized that she was still in the same clothes that she had been in the night before.

"no"

a frown settled on tomoes face at that -- "that's no good akemi-san, youve just been in here all day? have you eaten?"

homura hadnt. "i dont think so" she said

and tomoe mami looked down at the floor and frowned, before striding into the kitchen with a purpose

"i'll make something for the both of us then"

that was how it went, it seemed. homura could never quite bring herself to lift that gun and pull the trigger on her gem, not when she heard mami's reaction in her head no, but it was fine, there were plenty of things she could take to to atone for her own sins without killing herself outright. she decided just to live for a little while longer until tomoe mami got tired of her irresponsiveness and went back to her own home

(she never did)

soon enough mami just brought her things over and then while it didnt make any sense to homura at all the two were living together

between the two puellae magi grief seeds ( _cubes_ , she reminded herself) were not a problem -- certainly not when homura no longer cared for her own life for why did whether she lived or died matter to anyone? sayaka's (final) death reminded her that everything was all pointless in the end

somehow compassion grew in homura's shattered heart for tomoe mami, so that when she came upon the girl slicing open her own wrist in homura's (their, now) bathroom, her first response was not to immediately turn away no it was to frown and pull out some bandages from under the sink for her, and to return the hug when her once-senpai burst into tears at the action

"tomoe mami, it's alright," she said to her. "we're all weak in the end, i understand"

that made her cry even harder -- once upon a timeline the older girl had insisted on seeing the insides of homura's wrists and now homura realized that there was only one way she would've correctly identified that kind of deadness in someone

she didnt really understand why she did it (all she cared about was M--doka and killing herself, no?) but she did, and soon it became something of a routine, a cycle

mami smiled sweetly at her -- homura knew her intricacies well enough to tell that she would be crying alone later, she was just trying to be strong for her -- and told her that everything was going to be okay (it wasnt) when she discovered homura's _own_ accumulating scars

she had bandages and hydrogen peroxide whenever it was needed, and perhaps not words but definitely _actions_ when mami needed them. homura knew herself, and that she would have killed for a hug and consistent companionship when she was traveling through the timelines

somehow, it worked. now, homura didn't quite understand _how_ it had come to pass, but she and tomoe mami were living together, because neither of them could bear any longer to live alone in this dying, desperate world of wraiths and misery

one night homura's recollections of the things she had done -- in the name of her Love's salvation, ha! how pathetic a justification -- were too real, too lifelike, and she knocked on what had once been her door (mami had promised to give it back whenever homura wanted it, but she was fine with sleeping on the couch, and she knew there was a spark of selfishness that she had once despised and now appreciated just a little in tomoe mami that would stop her from ever giving it back unless she asked first)

a groggy pajama'd mami answered the door and immediately saw the haunted look in homura's eyes. without another word, she let her in

"do you want to talk about it?"

homura thought about it for a second. a particular timeline. emptying upwards of forty bullets into sayaka for refusing to take just one grief seed, having to fight kyoko, and Her seeing the results and making a wish right then and there --

"no, thank you"

mami smiled softly. "it's fine, homura. really."

homura nodded absentmindedly. the cuts on her upper thighs stung like hell -- her accelerated healing was certainly nothing like sayaka's, that was for sure -- and she could see mami fiddling with the ring that held her own yellow soul. she had something on her mind, yes.

"to--mami. there's something on your mind."

mami blinked, surprised. "y-yes. i was wondering if, possibly, you wanted to... sleep together? i-in the same bed, i mean. i feel like it might make us feel a little better"

homura, despite herself, smiled wryly (she felt a little like she had Before in that moment, actually)

"if you want to."

mami's laugh was like the tinkling of some bells -- golden ones, naturally (like that detail mattered). they both crawled into bed together, and homura thought, with the other girl's warmth snuggled up to hers, that maybe just maybe -- even without M--doka -- living her life like this wouldnt be that bad, really.

but it still certainly wasnt good.

the memories came to homura in bursts as the months passed by -- little concentrations of past sins and crimes. she knew that perhaps she shouldnt resort to harming herself even more, but it was like something of an addiction, sometimes. the song of the blood called to her, and she came to it in turn. she had committed so many atrocities in the name of her Goddess, and she would suffer the consequences -- that was final.

mami found her in a daze, slumped up against the wall, blood dripping from the bullet wound in her leg

she _screamed_ at homura, begged her to stop bleeding (as if that would do the job, but she supposed mami didnt make the most rational choices in the moment), but homura only chuckled darkly, her vision hazy and her head light. she was a puella magi -- she would survive this. there was no doubt about it. a bullet wound would take but a few days at most to heal.

this didnt stop mami from pulling her soul gem out and healing the wound right then and there, and pulling homura into the tightest hug she had ever experienced in her entire life (tighter even than desperate ones she had shared with the M--dokas of timelines long gone in scenarios of certain death)

shed been shot before, of course (even by _mami_ long ago), and it wasnt like this was something homura couldnt deal with. nonetheless, she returned mami's hug and apologized

"never do that again" mami sobbed

homura paused for a second. "only if you never do the same."

they agreed then and there, both desperate and afraid and broken

(they both broke this promise many times over the years, but at least they made it)

in truth, there were other ways that homura atoned for her crimes. every night, for example, after both class and wraith hunting (if they had it that night) homura would lock herself in a room in the apartment and sit down and _pray_. shed used to go to a catholic school, she knew the drill -- but this was not prayer to any unforgiving, monstrous catholic deity. no, it was to her best friend, to her love. in prayer she begged for forgiveness. if M--doka knew all of the things she had done in an attempt to save her from becoming a witch, she assuredly knew of the atrocities she had committed. thus, She was the only one who could truly forgive her

one day, mami came upon her in her desperate atonement to her Love

"i didnt know you were religious, homura-san," she said when homura opened her eyes

"not particularly," she admitted. "i used to go to a catholic school in tokyo, but that's not quite the deity i'm praying to."

"oh?" mami asked, interested. homura didnt really respond -- she only smiled to herself just a little, remembering the joy of living in the same universe as Kaname M--doka.

time wasn't as much of a heated, impossible slog with someone else there. somehow, the two magical girls had made it for years together. homura was sixteen, and mami was seventeen. in her head, homura mused at the irony of the situation. here she was, when but two years ago, she had believed that she'd only be where she was now at M--doka's side. she supposed it was still true in a way (for without Her she'd never have even made it out of the loops), but not quite how she'd _expected_ it.

for once, everything was calm. the two of them lived together, hunted together, and kept each other safe (sometimes from themselves). it was like clockwork. sometimes, homura wondered if the (relative) ease of the wraiths the two veteran magical girls encountered was a blessing from Her. the horror stories that came out of places like tokyo and kyoto and kazamino were the kinds of things homura would save for a dark night in october.

perhaps the calm was just the eye of the storm, though.

for one wednesday evening homura returned from school only to find mami lying on the couch, dazed, a half-empty bottle of wine in her hand

(no wonder homura hadnt seen her that day)

"homurrrra-ssan," mami slurred, reaching for homura's wrist.

"what's going on, mami"

mami blinked, looking up at the ceiling blankly.

"not shure," she shrugged. "musta done ssomethin' wr... wrong, yknow?"

"eb-everythin' wrong, maybe"

homura narrowed her eyes, both at mami's response and in thought at what could have driven her to do this (she didnt even know where she had _gotten_ the alcohol. well, she did. she knew exactly where she had gotten it from -- shed experimented with the stuff in her desperation as well, but never to this extent, so blatantly)

"tomoe mami, you've done nothing wrong, i can assure you of that." was she lying? perhaps. but it was a lie homura knew she needed to tell. mami would do the same for her.

that's when she realized it.

it was the anniversary of the day her parents died

homura cursed herself for forgetting. she'd remembered last year. carefully, she pried the wine from mami's grasp and set it on the table.

"d...dyou really thinnk tha'?"

homura quietly allowed mami's grip on her wrist to descend into light hand-holding. the older girl giggled drunkenly, smiling at homura. (she couldnt help but smile back.)

"i do. you arent a failure, tomoe mami. you just ended up in unfortunate circumstances. i'm sorry"

mami's smile brightened at her words. the two of them sat there together for a little while in a comfortable silence, mami too drunk to think coherently

she grinned suddenly. homura looked over, confused.

mami gestured over to the white wall behind them, arm slumping over the back of the couch after she was done using it

"whazzup w...with how thin these walllls 're, anyway"

homura raised an eyebrow. "what do you mean?"

mami snorted, before breaking down into a fit of laughter

"i-i mean, wo-whoever this madoka girlll isss, shes shuper lucky!"

homura froze. her eyes widened. mami laughed even harder

"oh, come onnnn, homurra! justt, live a li'l"

homura huffed. neither of them were very laid back about anything, but perhaps they should _both_ get drunk together next time. it would do both of them well

"about as lucky as sakura kyoko, i would imagine. youd almost think she lived in your bedroom"

(she had to get back at her.)

turning bright red, mami covered her face with her hands

"mean! yu-youre sush a hippo... haipo... hypo..."

"hypocrite?"

"yeah," mami slurred. "that."

homura shrugged. "at least we're honest to each other."

in response, mami smiled, completely wasted out of her mind

if there was one thing homura could conclude from the situation, it was that tomoe mami was adorable as hell.

very rarely, those days, did the two sleep apart. there was still only one bed in the apartment, even after all those years, and both of them were more than happy to share. of course, doing so had led to a slip-up or two. homura was shocked to learn that mami had nightmares not just about their lives as magical girls, but also of being killed, over and over and over again. most prominently, a terrified mami whispered to her in the dark about some sort of long, snakelike creature consuming her.

she didn't quite know what to say -- she didnt know if mami would _believe_ her story. so she just held the girl tight and whispered to her under her breath that they _would be fine, we've already lasted so long, dont be afraid, i'm here_

mami did the same for her nighttime remembrances. in some ways, she still seemed a little motherly (although not nearly as much now, after years of seeing that neither of them were really adultlike) as she smiled softly and kissed the crown of homura's head

"it'll be alright, homura," she crooned. "nothing can hurt you here."

homura always hugged her a little tighter after those kinds of promises -- she didnt know what she had meaninglessly done in the name of a future that never came to pass, but she still appreciated the contact.

it was a bit of a codependent mess, but it worked for them, in the end. homura was there for mami, and she was there for her. homura didn't know how any of this had come to pass, but truthfully she wasnt complaining at all. surely, M--doka would want her to be happy on the /earth/ before coming to meet Her.

the first time they kissed, homura and mami were at an outdoor cafe in the midst of a hot mitakihara summer, enjoying not having to deal with school or wraiths (for the daytime, at least -- they had more than enough cubes stockpiled) and just basking in each others presences.

sipping her tea politely, mami smiled.

"you know, homura," she mused. "i could have never _dreamed_ of living like this a few years ago."

the breeze blew through their hair and ruffled the large umbrella their table sat beneath a bit. homura stared up at the blue sky and took a sip of her drink quietly before responding.

"honestly, neither could i. i never imagined this would work out."

mami nodded in response. "thank you for being in my life. i dont feel lonely all the time anymore"

"it's my pleasure, tomoe mami"

the mutual affection sort of melted into a haze, and before homura knew what was happening, tomoe mami's lips were on hers. she initially resisted, thinking of M--doka, but _oh her lips were so soft and she was so warm _\-- homura eventually gave in, eliciting a slight moan from mami as she returned the kiss. they broke apart, smiling wryly.__

__"just returning the pleasure, akemi homura"_ _

__homura snorted. her smile became a little softer_ _

__"thank you, though, mami."_ _

__the blonde girl tilted her head slightly. "yeah?"_ _

__"yeah."_ _

__on the third anniversary of the day miki sayaka had died and sakura kyoko left mitakihara, the two of them were left sitting in the bedroom, staring out the window and reminiscing about the past._ _

__"you know," homura began. "we should go to kazamino next weekend and try and find her. bring her back home."_ _

__mami was a little surprised. "do you think she's still alive?"_ _

__homura grinned, just a little. mami had known -- and taught -- sakura kyoko for a year, but homura had decades of experience with the girl._ _

__"i _know_ she is."_ _

__mami's hand snaked over to hers there on the bed. the clouds rolled across the otherwise clear sky outside, and sunlight shined into the dark bedroom as they both looked out the window together. homura could feel someone smiling at her -- not mami, though. someone else entirely. she knew who it was. she was glad. when they met again, the five of them would all at last be happy._ _

__homura turned her head, looking over to mami. the blonde returned the look questioningly._ _

__"i want to tell you something, Tomoe Mami. a story, i suppose."_ _

__mami raised an eyebrow. "a story?"_ _

__homura looked back out the window, smiling. she could feel that other, incomprehensible smile in the room widening at her own words._ _

__"a story," she confirmed. "about a lonely girl with a heart condition, and how the girl who saved her remade the world. ive wanted to tell you for so long. will you believe me, no matter what i say?"_ _

__mami gave her a wry smile, the kind she gave when she outperformed homura at shooting practice instead of the other way around that day (they were basically tied)._ _

__"you shouldnt expect any less."_ _

__when homura rolled her eyes, she felt like there was a second hand that grasped her free one there on the bed. homura squeezed back, even if it _felt_ like nothing was there._ _

__at last, even though there were places to go, people to catch up with, and an end to meet, she was happy._ _

**Author's Note:**

> this ended up being a lot gayer than i had originally anticipated near the end, and honestly i'm glad, this turned out much happier than i thought it would -- and it cheered me up! thank you so much for reading, i hope u liked this!
> 
> (additional end note: the title, _sola insania / nostrum solacium_ , means "lonely insanity / our solace")
> 
> i hope you have a good day <3


End file.
